One of my favorite sayings about horses is this: Whenever you are with your horse, you are teaching him something. I think you could swap the word horse for any noun representing a sentient being, and it would be just as valid. What it means is this: the way you interact with your horse (dog, spouse, sibling, partner, student, boss, or employee) teaches them what is acceptable and expected. (Important note: cats are not included in this list because, let's face it, nothing we do could ever change their behavior.) So let's break this down.
Do You Address Issues as They Arise?
When I lived in Vermont, I would sometimes board my horses during the winter. My favorite facility was a little place in Alburg owned by my friend Joe Sprano. Joe had done some training under Chris Cox and is, in my humble opinion, one hell of a hand. He was able to say things to me that few other people would get away with, but he could do it because he always had my and my horses' best interest at heart. Joe was never emotional about his assessment, just honest. One of the reasons I loved boarding there was that Joe was utterly aware of what he was teaching his horses at all times. If Joe was leading a group of horses out to pasture and one of them misbehaved, he corrected that horse. It didn't matter that he had three other horses in hand. He made a swift, unemotional correction. And he was absolutely the master of "be as hard as you have to, and as soft as you can be" - but we'll talk about that later. The point for this discussion is that Joe was always aware of what he was teaching the horses when he interacted with them. Here's an example:
My horse Lyle has always loved to rub his head on me when we get done working together. I allow it because I tend to anthropomorphize my horses, so I interpret it as a sign of affection. Joe helped me realize that while I was trying to establish my role as the leader, I had to recognize that wasn't what was going on. That behavior was Lyle telling me I was part of his herd and that he was making the decisions. Joe helped me realize that I had to claim my space, at least until the dynamic changed. And that meant I had to be vigilant about discouraging Lyle from using me as his personal rubbing post.
What Are You Waiting For?
For some people, this level of awareness seems to come naturally. But not for everyone. Because we want to avoid conflict, or we may even like the behavior on some level, we often tolerate behavior that isn't really acceptable to or healthy for us. Or, we may have difficulty communicating our expectations or qualifying the consequences for failing to meet those expectations. Or, maybe we feel like we don't have the time or energy to address the issue at hand at the moment. But, for whatever reason you choose to ignore them, allowing minor transgressions to go on will eventually lead to bigger and, possibly, more difficult problems.
A Little Curiosity Goes a Long Way
This concept is a little easier to accept when working with horses since a 1,000-pound animal can easily hurt you without even meaning to. It is also easier to attach a consequence to unwanted behavior since horses are motivated by the release of pressure and the desire to go back to doing nothing. However, maintaining boundaries with people is more complicated because it doesn't always seem necessary until the unwanted behavior has become a habit or a problem. Plus, since humans have a much broader range of motivations, finding appropriate consequences isn't always obvious. But, if you get curious about the other person and take the time to address issues as they arise, without judgment or emotion, you can start to change the dynamics of the relationship.
In EPIC Leadership, we identify the minor transgressions that, when left unchecked, can become problematic. And we learn how the clear communication of expectations and boundaries ultimately creates more trusting, mutually beneficial relationships.
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